What Makes Two People Compatible
It all begins with an idea.
You’ve been on a few dates with someone new, and something about it just feels right. After all, you have interests in common, the conversation flows effortlessly, and the chemistry is undeniable.
While these things are certainly important parts of a romantic relationship, they’re far from the only factors that determine whether or not two people are compatible for the long haul. It’s especially easy to confuse sexual chemistry for true compatibility—or, conversely, dismiss real potential because the chemistry is not immediately explosive. This is especially true if your dating history is characterized by lots of emotional intensity or volatility.
In this article, we’ll explore the five key elements of lasting compatibility. Being conscious of these components can help you discern whether a new connection has the potential to become a strong, healthy, long-term relationship—and avoid unnecessary heartache down the road.
1. Effective Communication
We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: healthy communication is everything in a relationship. Without it, the relationship can quickly sour. It’s a green flag when someone is open and honest about their desires, needs, boundaries, feelings, and intentions from the get-go, even when there’s a risk of disagreement.
However, effective communication isn’t just about how well someone expresses themselves—active listening is equally as important. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to determine if someone is a strong listener:
Do they show up with curiosity, attentiveness, and empathy?
Do they ask questions to better understand your perspective?
Do they listen to understand (rather than simply wait for their turn to respond)?
Do they do these things even in the face of tension or conflict?
When both people practice healthy communication regularly and intentionally, it builds trust, nurtures emotional safety, and deepens intimacy and connection, creating the conditions for the relationship to flourish.
2. Healthy Conflict Resolution
Healthy conflict resolution is a natural extension of healthy communication. While conflict can be uncomfortable, it also offers a meaningful opportunity for partners to understand each other more deeply, even when they don’t see eye to eye.
Open communication, active listening, and emotional regulation are all important components of healthy conflict resolution. The ability to stay connected and speak to each other with respect and care—even in the heat of disagreement—is a sign of not only healthy conflict resolution but of a healthy relationship as a whole.
3. Shared Values
A person’s values and beliefs inform where they invest their time and energy and interact with others. When partners’ core values clash, it weakens the foundation of the relationship, often leading to confusion and hurt on both ends. On the other hand, when partners share core values, they can more effortlessly approach the present and future as a unified team with shared guiding principles.
When you're dating someone new, it’s important to be conscious of the values they hold and how closely they align with yours. While a person might openly state their values or beliefs (and it’s always okay to ask), it’s important to pay attention to their actions. What they consistently do says more about their values than what they say.
4. Aligned Intentions and Goals
In seeking a long-term relationship, it’s important to determine if your goals and plans for the future line up. While not every detail needs to match perfectly, having wildly different visions for the future can cause immense conflict and distress. Partners who are invested in the relationship might try to change each other's minds about their ideas for the future, but this typically backfires, creating even more resentment and heartache.
Our advice? Be honest about your long-term desires from the start, and don’t try to change the other person’s to fit yours. You’ll thank yourself later.
5. Emotional Support
Life isn’t always easy. The ability to support each other, especially during hard times, is a crucial component of a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Not only does it strengthen the bond between partners, but it also cultivates resilience to hardship—helping each person, and the relationship itself, grow from it.
Here are some signs of a mutually emotionally supportive relationship:
You can sit with each other’s pain without rushing to fix or resolve it.
You feel seen, heard, and understood by one another.
You can be vulnerable with one another without fear of judgment, reactivity, or indifference.
Mutual care and empathy are consistently present—during the good, the bad, and the in-between.
You’re curious about each other’s histories and inner worlds.
Together, you celebrate each other’s wins—and grieve each other’s losses.
You trust each other’s insight and know you can turn to one other for guidance and wisdom.
True compatibility isn’t measured by how much fun you have when things are easy—though shared joy is important. Rather, it’s revealed in how you show up for each other when things get hard.
Final Thoughts
For many, it’s easy to get swept up in new relationship energy (NRE). There’s something electric about connecting with someone new, especially when chemistry’s present.
While there’s nothing wrong with excitement, it’s also important to exercise caution and intentionality. Ask yourself, what is it that you really want in a relationship? What is it you don’t want? Which values matter most to you, and how do they inform what you desire for the future? What exactly do you envision for your future self? What are your plans to get there?
Remember to accept people justas they are. Do not hold out for their potential, or view them as improvement projects. This is fair to neither them nor yourself. True compatibility becomes clear only when you know yourself—and when you’re willing to see someone else for who they are, too.